Shiver -- Maggie Stiefvater

Rating: -✰✰✰

Copied from my review on Goodreads

This book sort of made me shiver. 

Okay, so maybe not "shiver" so much as "shudder," because seriously, this may just be the second-worst book I've ever read in my life. (The Worst Book in the World award goes to Gone by Michael Grant. Don't ever read this book. Ever. I wouldn't wish it onto my worst enemy.) 

To understand the enormity of this accomplishment for Shiver, you'd have to understand that I am not, in any way, shape, or form, hard on books. At all. I'll like anything. Seriously. I'll like trashy YA romance novels, I'll like books everyone else says it's cool to hate, I'll like anything that's popular but is apparently, really bad. 

I liked Halo. I liked Hush Hush, I liked Hades, I liked Heaven, I liked Twilight, Beautiful Creatures, Breaking Dawn, City of Bones--you get the gist. (A lot of people say these books are awful, but I liked them, okay?) 

The point is, I'm not harsh on books at all, and I am always, always, looking for things to like about a book. I'm always looking for the redeeming qualities in everything, because that's just who I am, too nice to give a harsh judgement or sound mean, even in the privacy of my own mind, blah blah. I'm even nice with rating. If it's really a one-star book in my opinion, I'll even bump the rating up to two stars. I'm the least observant reader out there, so if a fourteen-year old girl with the attention span of a gnat, the memory of a goldfish, and the observational depth of a slice of bread notices something wrong with a book, YOU BETTER FREAKING BELIEVE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT BOOK! 

I really tried to like this book. I really did, for the sake of one of my best friends whose opinion I highly value and who very, very highly recommended this book. 

But did I?

Let me let Daniel Bryan, the ultimate Yes Guy, to do the talking:






I also don't write reviews for books, period. Ever. Zip. Nadda. But there was just so much going on in this book that I hated that I wrote this anyway (and admittedly I was spurred on by my other friend who said I should start writing reviews). 

Why do I dislike this book so much, you ask? 


A number of reasons. 

1. They all sound the same

And by "they," I mean Sam and Grace. Their voices. Were exactly. Identical. I could've been reading the whole story from Grace's OR Sam's point of view and I wouldn't even know. Without the chapter headings, I would've been totally and completely lost. Heck, even some of the side characters sounded the exact same as they did. 

You know why?

"God." 

"God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God." 

GEEZ. THIS IS WORSE THAN CITY OF BONES! 

Every. Other. Sentence was ended with, had, or began with, "God."

It's not because I'm Catholic, or religious, or even because I hate it when words are repeated too much. I usually don't mind. It's realistic. People say "God" all the time, especially when they don't know what to say, and I don't mind it even if I don't say it. Heck, I won't even mind if a word's repeated continuously to the point where it loses its effect. But come on. Seriously? All the characters said it all the damn time. Even freaking Beck did. Who does this? Why are all their speech patterns and behaviors the same? It was annoying to read, it got on my nerves, and it just further showed how Maggie Stiefvater CANNOT WRITE INDIVIDUAL CHARACTERS. 

By the first half of the book, I was ready to physically harm the heck out of whoever next said the Lord's name in vain. Like this:





Besides the above, their voices, how they described things, what they thought, were nearly identical. This does not make sense. Why does Sam sound like a teenage girl when he's practically aman? Others have commented on this before, and I never noticed it (oblivious reader here, dur hur hur), but what I did notice is that he and Grace have pretty much the exact same thoughts on everything. The only exception? Sam liked to add retarded song lyrics randomly when he felt like it. 

The only ones who didn't sound like an exact copy of everyone else were Olivia and Isabel (who were the only ones I liked), and of COURSE they get the least amount of screen time. 

2. The romance was unbelievable

...Not to mention creepy. 

We start off in the book with Grace getting mauled by wolves/Sam's pack, or whatever the heck is going on because even after re-reading it three times I still don't completely get it. (Call me stupid, call me slow, call me lame, but usually, it's the author's fault, not the reader's.) 

And then, a chapter later, we get treated to a summary of how Sam and Grace's wonderful epic awesome relationship advanced. 

Yep. You totally guessed it!

...Sam sometimes wanders by the woods in Grace's backyard, she watches out for him 24/7, and then, like. 

That's it. Literally. Sometimes she feeds him, she always refers to him as my wolf, and at first I'm like, "Okay, well, I get it, she's possessive of the wolf, that's fine. We form attachments to animals all the time."

And then one day in an event that I guess was supposed to be exciting, some dudes with rifles try to hunt the wolves, Sam gets shot and then he's bleeding and he's naked on Grace's porch, and she's like "OMG THIS IS MY WOLF GAIS HE IS SO HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And then, like, literally 15% into the book and literally the FIRST day they meet, Sam's already sleeping in Grace's bed, and she wants him to sleep near her. 

Wow. 

I don't care if you've been stalking this wolf for six years, I don't care that you think he's hot and sooooo cute, YOU JUST FOUND OUT HE WAS A FREAKING WEREWOLF AND YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH HIM!

That is just weird. Okay? It's plain freaky, and no girl in her right mind would ever, ever do that. 



Grace and Sam proceed to display that they have no chemistry at all. Zilch. All the conversations between them seemed like rehearsed lines, mechanical, and just forced. I don't get why Grace and Sam "love" each other. I don't even get why they likeeach other. It wasn't even a gradual thing. One day they're sleeping in bed, the next, they kiss kiss kiss kiss and OMFG WE'RE IN LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With no reasons whatsoever. Seriously? It was so random when they started declaring their love for each other. You knew it was coming because it's a YA romance, but you also didn't because there was no precedence for them to. You can argue that they've already "known" each other for six years, but that does NOT count because Sam was a freaking WOLF for those six years, and if Grace was developing romantic feelings for him at any time during that point, then Grace, you're a sick, crazy psychotic bitch and I have no desire whatsoever to know you. You're creepy. You're disgusting. Just...just get away. Seriously. You're freaking me out. 

Do you want to know the entire arc of their relationship?

Grace: Sleep with me.
Sam: No.
Grace: SLEEP WITH ME.
Sam: No...
Grace: SLEEP WITH ME IN MY BED RIGHT NOW!!!!
Sam: *sleeps as far away from Grace on the bed as possible*
Grace: FML.

Repeat for a few days. 

*Next Few Days*
Grace: Do you want to have sex?
Sam: No?
Grace: Let's have sex. 
Sam: No...?
Grace: It's so cute how you're unlike any other boy! But I really think we should sleep together.
Sam: No please...
(view spoiler)

3. The book was pointless

This coming from the girl who didn't mind reading Twilight and Halo. 

Confession? I love fluff. If there's fluff, to hell with the plot, because YAY! CUTE ROMANCE SCENES AND CUTE BOYS!

...No. There was like, dumb scenes with Grace and Sam, and I guess it was supposed to be cute, or show character development, but honestly?

It was just boring. 

Sam and Grace, in my mind, were flat cardboard cutouts with flat cardboard lives and flat cardboard interactions. The dialogue was stilted. 

Not "steamy," "cute," or what you'd expect of a YA novel, just...bland. It was random, unbelievable, just...ugh. There was no point whatsoever in this book. There was no plot. There was no suspense. It was just nothing after nothing after MORE NOTHING. 

I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THAT DUMB CANDY SHOP OR THAT (view spoiler) OR (view spoiler).

This book was just weird with a capital W. What did happen gave you a "Wtf just happened/why is this happening" feel. 

Just...WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS BOOK? 

4. The characters sucked

This is pretty much what I gleamed from the main characters by reading this book:

Grace: Hai, I'm Grace, I has the emotional capacity of a doorknob and I is horny for the wolfs!
Sam:: I like guitar chords and inserting random lyrics in to describe my life, also I luvs Grace and I want to stay a virgin wait no I don't wait yes I do WAIT GRACE DON'T LEAVE SLEEP IN BED WITH ME!!!!
Beck: I has square face and I like kidnapping kids to turn them into wolves to make sure my wolfie legacy survives!!!!!

There you have it ladies and gents, our supposed heroes of this supposed story. 

I tried to like Grace. I really did. I was okay with her at first, because hey, she has blonde hair and brown eyes, and I love characters that have blonde hair and brown eyes instead of the usual blonde-and-green-or-blue-eyes combo. I really, really like stoic characters.

But she was just a total bitch. All she cared about was Sam/"her wolf," and she was even angry at a supposed dead guy for dying in the forest because then it brought attention to the wolves there. 

Seriously? 

Seriously?

The dialogue for all these characters was stilted. It all felt artificial and fake, and NO teenagers talk like how they talk. 

5. Sam's nose is weird

Pretty much everyone else has said everything there is to say about the description of this book, but I will say this:

WHAT IS UP WITH SAM'S NOSE?!

Even with freaking descriptions, Stiefvater TELLS, and doesn'tshow.

I mean, Sam has an "interestingly shaped nose that no girl could pull off."

Okay. What does that tell us, though?

You know what, the whole time I was reading the book THIS is what I pictured Sam to look like: 



Enough said. 



The whole book was just...flat. Bland. Boring. It felt like I was reading a cereal box. And not even the fun, color-in-the-rabbit, make-your-own-rap-about-Trix, this-is-how-Kelloggs-came-to-be backs of cereal boxes. I mean the ingredients panel of the cereal box, the ones where they talk about all the preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, and Actually, you know what? I'd rather read that than this book. (Sorry for comparing you to this book, cereal box panels.) 

Don't read this book. Really, don't. It's a waste of time, effort, energy, and money. (This is big, because I don't ever not recommend books because we can all have different opinions on them. This book and Gone are the only books I would EVER recommend you not read, and believe me, it's for a good cause.) You'll cry and children will weep everywhere for all that time you could have spent doing your homework, researching the cure for cancer, and I dunno, playing with your cat. 



Ugh, I'm just...tired of this all. I don't have the energy to write out ALL the faults I had with this book, but hopefully you've been dissuaded from trying to read it. 

To summarize, like my friend said:

"This book is a fart and don't read it."